When you form a romantic relationship, you do so with unique personalities shaped by your past. Based on previous relationships, each of you have developed ideas about how a loved one should respond to your needs, desires, and expectations.

When developing a bond, you also have well-established habits. This includes the way you manage anger when a partner appears to threaten or ignore your needs, desires, and expectations. It’s then not surprising that even the most loving relationships at times involves conflict and anger. This is especially challenging when one or both of you are prone to anger.

While occasional conflicts are normal in any relationship, frequent and intense conflicts can harm mental, physical, and family health. This is especially true if one or both partners are prone to anger. Destructive anger can lead to increased dissatisfaction, sadness, feelings of isolation, abuse, and even divorce.

No matter how you learned to handle conflict, it’s important to develop skills that support constructive conflict management. This includes being able to recover from conflicts. Research shows that having a partner who is better at recovering from conflicts is linked to more positive emotions and greater relationship satisfaction (Salvatore, Luo, Steele, et. al., 2011). However, like any habit, developing these skills takes time, patience, and commitment.

The following guidelines offer a clear approach to dealing with conflict, rooted in mindfulness, self-awareness, and compassion for yourself and your partner. Discuss these guidelines with your partner and make a commitment to follow them.

Practice Healthy Anger

Healthy anger is key to managing conflicts constructively. Even if only one partner tends to react with anger, both partners can benefit from learning strategies to manage it. Anger often arises from feeling threatened, and effective communication requires a sense of safety. Learn specific communication skills such as listening, negotiating, problem-solving, and focusing on specific behaviors rather than making broad statements about your partner.

Discuss Differences Calmly

Only discuss your differences when you are both calm, and agree to stop the discussion if either of you feels too agitated or threatened. Be aware of your comfort level, and agree in advance to stop the discussion if either person feels a discomfort level of 4 (on a scale of 1 to 10). Recognize any urge to have the last word, and be aware that your partner might feel anxious ending the discussion while you’re still angry. Set limits on cursing, yelling, threatening, or abusive behavior.

Use a Safe Word or Phrase

Agree on a word or phrase that either person can say to immediately stop the discussion. Some couples choose whimsical words to provide levity when things are heating up.

Resume Planned Activities or Take Solitude

After deciding to pause a discussion, try to resume the activity you had planned. If needed, take some time alone. It’s better to go to another room than to leave the house, which might trigger anxiety or trust issues in your partner.

Revisit Unresolved Issues

If you stop a discussion without a resolution, commit to revisiting it when both of you are calm. This might be an hour later or several days later. If anger escalates during the next attempt, pause and try again later. Unresolved conflicts will resurface, so it’s important to address them.

Mind Time Limits

Limit discussions to 30-40 minutes. If unresolved, agree to disagree temporarily and resume later. Consider alternative ways of expressing your desires when you do so.

Avoid Arguing in the Bedroom

Don’t argue in the bedroom, as this can link anger with sleep or intimacy. Your emotional mind is more reactive when tired, and staying up late arguing can leave you irritable the next day. A study suggests that lack of sleep in one partner can increase conflicts and reduce empathy (Gordon & Chen, 2013).

Therapists often advise against going to bed angry. While it’s a good goal, there’s a difference between agreeing to disagree and becoming so enraged that one partner withdraws. Apologizing for your part in the conflict can help decrease tension and build compassion.

If these guidelines are hard to follow, consider seeking marital therapy. Therapy can provide more specific skills to improve communication.

Differences are expected in any intimate relationship. Your challenge is to express yourself constructively. Managing conflict in this way is crucial for a more fulfilling relationship.